We just got back from an epic multi-week road-trip across the continent to see my folks. The blessings of a family diaspora.
Being stuck in a car with two hyperactive autistic kids and two babies for *four thousand twenty-nine f---ing miles* will cause you to occasionally lose your temper. Everybody screams at each other. Everybody ends up pointing a finger at you -- and, well, you're the biggest, strongest, and loudest, so they've got a point. You feel like shit that can't ever improve, because no one forgets even if they forgive.
All I can say is -- the funny thing about the prayers of the Church is that they work. The funny thing about that kind of insurmountable, unconquerable inner pain is that it can be amended for you without you knowing how it happens in the slightest. The Ever-Living is superabundant and prodigal, it seems.
(That is, one of our lessons-learned: we say a Rosary at the start of every day. More I just gotta remember that for next year.)
Hang in there man and enjoy the vacation. I think this writing nonsense is what a lot of us do to keep the black dog at bay. But you just need to do what helps you and not worry about the stupid internet. Best of luck with everything and God bless. We’ll talk when you get back.
Thank you. When I mention writing the nonsense it’s not intended towards stuff you, or @Librarian of Celaeno or @John Carter but the constant doom porn and negativity of so many people on our side. The omg life would be perfect if there was no immigration and gays were banished. Yeah, maybe, but it’s not and it never will, because changing laws is secondary to changing people, and you can’t change people by calling them degenerate online.
I didn’t take it personally man so no worries. But I do agree that bitching on the internet is no substitute for self-improvement. The legalistic mentality that has consumed secular America is a brain disease that will take more than new laws to fix. Liberalism—small l liberalism—is the disease. Be the cure.
Once i opened google docs and wrote the following:
“We live in strange times, full of false prophets and retarded ideologies,
There is no hill worth dying for, there is no reason to do the right thing, because the right thing is always some fucking lie,
Modern life is devoid of any sense or purpose, the world has gone insane,
For reasons too controversial to say, I don't feel like doing what people advise me to do. These people are sheep, their minds run by insane shepherds.
I can only revel in destruction, for I am a child of the ashes.”
I had read "Men Among Ruins" by Julius Evola and it has left me with such existential dread that i was reminded of the redpill community of 2010's and their moto "Enjoy the Decline". That is what i'm doing, sometimes with god, sometimes against him, but i take pride in not being a piece of shit NPC and actually putting myself out there and doing things, the good and the bad things. The world may be lost on the macro, but there is much you can do in the micro, if not for some higher purpose, just to prove to myself that i am alive.
By the way, Italy is wonderful, i'd go there, preferably alone, and just walk around and talk to people. Travelling does wonders for the mind, and Italy is no joke.
Have you gone to confession recently? Have you sat in the presence of Christ in the blessed sacrament in adoration? He is the great physician of everything that ails us. He knows your beautiful, unrepeatable soul all the way down. He knows melancholy and the why of it. He has loved many middle aged men with subtle and well-formed intellects, such as yours. He might remind you of what suffering is yours to carry and what suffering he'd like to carry for you.
The time to rage impotently at the injustice of the world is past its expiration. It’s time to fix oneself than radiate that to others. Man by man, woman by woman, family by family, neighbor by neighbor. This is how we will change the world.
I've come to this same place, also - we have spiritual renewal in front of us.
that's it - the root of all the economic political chaos... we're spiritually in chaos
i'm spiritually in chaos ! great article honesty always imbues good writing
I also know some of the other conditions you describe here. No sleep is a killer, period. If you don't sleep well, you can't be mentally healthy, no exceptions. I didn't sleep well for years and was in a constant fog as a result, didn't figure it out until I did a sleep test and corrected my sleep apnea. Have you done a sleep test? If not, do it, especially if your wife says you snore or breathe weirdly at night.
An active spiritual life is also essential. There is of course an abundance of literary models who admire religion from afar but can't make the leap into real practice--the narrator in Houellebecq's _Soumission_ (which is of course H himself), who wants to return to the faith of his people and "can't" (translate that instead as "won't"). How writers love these models! I loved them for a long time. One has to overcome oneself on this, I think. I spent decades as Houellebecq's character, bitterly unhappy but convinced I just couldn't be like those insufficiently tortured people who actually went to Mass, before I finally just gave up the game of being a moody outsider and fell gratefully and fully into the religion of our dead ancestors--glory to them!--who built everything we have. Read or reread Pascal, Unamuno, Chateaubriand, Bernanos, Peguy, Leon Bloy. Get on your knees and beg God to do what you can't do, what none of us can do.
'No matter how heavy I lift and how fast I still run having three jacked up vertebra in my neck that make my right arm go numb throughout the day is an undeniable reminder of my entrance into middle age.'
I've got exactly the same problem...
I bought a book called treat your own neck about 15 years ago. It helped even if it didn't cure. You can find it on libgen dot rs.
'I don’t sleep enough. I can’t...I want for nothing, except sleep. Not just any kind of sleep, but a real sleep. I feel like I haven’t slept well in years. I want to close my eyes and vibrate all of my cells into a state of pure relaxation. A complete intellectual shutdown. I can’t seem to attain that. I wake up more tired than when I go to bed. '
I've got exactly the same problem--and no solution to recommend.
Ryke G. Hamer would suggest the pain in your cervical/arm has something to do with the periosteum (the tissue which covers bones etc.), which translates to a sort of separation conflict. This could be either being separated from a loved person or a place, or wanting to separate from a place or person.
In the right shoulder (presuming you are right-handed) it corresponds to a partner, but not necessarily wife, it could mean a business partner. If you are left-handed it would relate to an issue with mother or child.
He suggested if the fundamental issue can be resolved so can the pain. Pain comes from the soul first and manifests in the body second. If the trigger can't be resolved it becomes a chronic condition. I learned this was all true the hard way!
We just got back from an epic multi-week road-trip across the continent to see my folks. The blessings of a family diaspora.
Being stuck in a car with two hyperactive autistic kids and two babies for *four thousand twenty-nine f---ing miles* will cause you to occasionally lose your temper. Everybody screams at each other. Everybody ends up pointing a finger at you -- and, well, you're the biggest, strongest, and loudest, so they've got a point. You feel like shit that can't ever improve, because no one forgets even if they forgive.
All I can say is -- the funny thing about the prayers of the Church is that they work. The funny thing about that kind of insurmountable, unconquerable inner pain is that it can be amended for you without you knowing how it happens in the slightest. The Ever-Living is superabundant and prodigal, it seems.
(That is, one of our lessons-learned: we say a Rosary at the start of every day. More I just gotta remember that for next year.)
Hang in there man and enjoy the vacation. I think this writing nonsense is what a lot of us do to keep the black dog at bay. But you just need to do what helps you and not worry about the stupid internet. Best of luck with everything and God bless. We’ll talk when you get back.
Thank you. When I mention writing the nonsense it’s not intended towards stuff you, or @Librarian of Celaeno or @John Carter but the constant doom porn and negativity of so many people on our side. The omg life would be perfect if there was no immigration and gays were banished. Yeah, maybe, but it’s not and it never will, because changing laws is secondary to changing people, and you can’t change people by calling them degenerate online.
I didn’t take it personally man so no worries. But I do agree that bitching on the internet is no substitute for self-improvement. The legalistic mentality that has consumed secular America is a brain disease that will take more than new laws to fix. Liberalism—small l liberalism—is the disease. Be the cure.
Great stuff bro.
I had similar problems.
Full work over with a functional medicine clinic and growing 80 percent of my own food handled it.
Found a magnesium powder called CALM which helps me sleep and no coffee after 9 am.
I'm now 47 and feeling much better than I did at 40.
I now have a job in natural healing.
Life in good.
DM me if it gets bad.
I also blocked everyone of substack that posted shit that I didn't like.
So I guess I'm now in a positivity echo chamber
My wife uses the CALM stuff, mixes it into that probiotic soda and some juice for a mocktail, I need to try it.
True dat
Once i opened google docs and wrote the following:
“We live in strange times, full of false prophets and retarded ideologies,
There is no hill worth dying for, there is no reason to do the right thing, because the right thing is always some fucking lie,
Modern life is devoid of any sense or purpose, the world has gone insane,
For reasons too controversial to say, I don't feel like doing what people advise me to do. These people are sheep, their minds run by insane shepherds.
I can only revel in destruction, for I am a child of the ashes.”
I had read "Men Among Ruins" by Julius Evola and it has left me with such existential dread that i was reminded of the redpill community of 2010's and their moto "Enjoy the Decline". That is what i'm doing, sometimes with god, sometimes against him, but i take pride in not being a piece of shit NPC and actually putting myself out there and doing things, the good and the bad things. The world may be lost on the macro, but there is much you can do in the micro, if not for some higher purpose, just to prove to myself that i am alive.
By the way, Italy is wonderful, i'd go there, preferably alone, and just walk around and talk to people. Travelling does wonders for the mind, and Italy is no joke.
Metaphysic reality will never die in this excellent country.
Hey hey momma said the way you move gonna make sweat gonna make you groove
Have you gone to confession recently? Have you sat in the presence of Christ in the blessed sacrament in adoration? He is the great physician of everything that ails us. He knows your beautiful, unrepeatable soul all the way down. He knows melancholy and the why of it. He has loved many middle aged men with subtle and well-formed intellects, such as yours. He might remind you of what suffering is yours to carry and what suffering he'd like to carry for you.
This really helped me. Thank you.
The time to rage impotently at the injustice of the world is past its expiration. It’s time to fix oneself than radiate that to others. Man by man, woman by woman, family by family, neighbor by neighbor. This is how we will change the world.
I've come to this same place, also - we have spiritual renewal in front of us.
that's it - the root of all the economic political chaos... we're spiritually in chaos
i'm spiritually in chaos ! great article honesty always imbues good writing
Good idea taking a break. Sounds like you're also telling yourself to go to church.
Just out of interest- did you used to frequent Quillette Circle?
I did not but I remember Quillette.
I know that dog well.
I also know some of the other conditions you describe here. No sleep is a killer, period. If you don't sleep well, you can't be mentally healthy, no exceptions. I didn't sleep well for years and was in a constant fog as a result, didn't figure it out until I did a sleep test and corrected my sleep apnea. Have you done a sleep test? If not, do it, especially if your wife says you snore or breathe weirdly at night.
An active spiritual life is also essential. There is of course an abundance of literary models who admire religion from afar but can't make the leap into real practice--the narrator in Houellebecq's _Soumission_ (which is of course H himself), who wants to return to the faith of his people and "can't" (translate that instead as "won't"). How writers love these models! I loved them for a long time. One has to overcome oneself on this, I think. I spent decades as Houellebecq's character, bitterly unhappy but convinced I just couldn't be like those insufficiently tortured people who actually went to Mass, before I finally just gave up the game of being a moody outsider and fell gratefully and fully into the religion of our dead ancestors--glory to them!--who built everything we have. Read or reread Pascal, Unamuno, Chateaubriand, Bernanos, Peguy, Leon Bloy. Get on your knees and beg God to do what you can't do, what none of us can do.
Hang in there, brother! You are loved.
Disconnecting is often the best medicine for the ailments of the modern world. I hope you find some peace and rest in those mountains, man.
Great stuff bro.
I had similar problems.
Full work over with a functional medicine clinic and growing 80 percent of my own food handled it.
Found a magnesium powder called CALM which helps me sleep and no coffee after 9 am.
I'm now 47 and feeling much better than I did at 40.
I now have a job in natural healing.
Life in good.
DM me if it gets bad.
I also blocked everyone of substack that posted shit that I didn't like.
So I guess I'm now in a positivity echo chamber
'No matter how heavy I lift and how fast I still run having three jacked up vertebra in my neck that make my right arm go numb throughout the day is an undeniable reminder of my entrance into middle age.'
I've got exactly the same problem...
I bought a book called treat your own neck about 15 years ago. It helped even if it didn't cure. You can find it on libgen dot rs.
'I don’t sleep enough. I can’t...I want for nothing, except sleep. Not just any kind of sleep, but a real sleep. I feel like I haven’t slept well in years. I want to close my eyes and vibrate all of my cells into a state of pure relaxation. A complete intellectual shutdown. I can’t seem to attain that. I wake up more tired than when I go to bed. '
I've got exactly the same problem--and no solution to recommend.
What can I say? Hang in there?
I'll look into that book. The only thing that helps is the chiropractor that just retired 😔
Great stuff bro.
I had similar problems.
Full work over with a functional medicine clinic and growing 80 percent of my own food handled it.
Found a magnesium powder called CALM which helps me sleep and no coffee after 9 am.
I'm now 47 and feeling much better than I did at 40.
I now have a job in natural healing.
Life in good.
DM me if it gets bad.
I also blocked everyone of substack that posted shit that I didn't like.
So I guess I'm now in a positivity echo chamber
Ryke G. Hamer would suggest the pain in your cervical/arm has something to do with the periosteum (the tissue which covers bones etc.), which translates to a sort of separation conflict. This could be either being separated from a loved person or a place, or wanting to separate from a place or person.
In the right shoulder (presuming you are right-handed) it corresponds to a partner, but not necessarily wife, it could mean a business partner. If you are left-handed it would relate to an issue with mother or child.
He suggested if the fundamental issue can be resolved so can the pain. Pain comes from the soul first and manifests in the body second. If the trigger can't be resolved it becomes a chronic condition. I learned this was all true the hard way!
I hope things improve for you.
https://learninggnm.com/SBS/documents/periosteum.html#Periosteum_BC